Animal Jokes
Magic Frog |
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!" |
Watch your Beak ! |
This fella has a friend going out of town for Thanksgiving and accepts the job of watching his parrot over the holiday. Problem is, this parrot swears like a sailor, and this guy is a quiet, conservative type. Before long, the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. The guy finally snaps, grabs the bird, shakes him and yells, "QUIT IT!!!" This, of course, just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets angry and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush! At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you, old chap. I will do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. "So, by the way," the parrot says, looking nervously back towards the freezer, "what did the turkey do?" |
THREE LEGGED CHICKEN |
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!! Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?" The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece." "That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?" "Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em." |
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and he hit it anyway. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," He explained - "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Fifty meters away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at them again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
"What was in your spray can ? What did you spray on that rabbit ?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said -
"Hair Spray. Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
Monkey and lizard smoke a joint |
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey dude! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and smoke with me." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey dude!" The Monkey looks down and slurs, "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did you drink?" |